So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
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don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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