I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
