I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
