I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
