Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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