The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
