I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
