I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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