whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
