I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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