i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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