i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
