Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
