my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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