I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
