I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
