dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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