Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
