worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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