oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
