I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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