I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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