I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
