mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
