meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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