If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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