Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
