My nipple is on Facebook.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
