There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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