Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
