you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i drank out of a bidet.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
