Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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