if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
