you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
