hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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