Need sex. Gaining weight.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
