At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
