Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
