Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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