im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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