He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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