my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The power of my boobs compel you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My feet surprised me
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