Moan for me like Helen Keller
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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