Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
