You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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