I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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