I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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