I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
