32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
