You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
