i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
