My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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