when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
