i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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