I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
