dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am available for nakedness
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
