Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
